Practice

Writing Practice #1

Disclaimer: I am drunk.  Any grammatical or typographical or uh, logistical errors are due to my inability to hire an editor on such short notice and the irrefutable fact that I am currently drunk.

Author’s Note: My homesnakes! I wrote 714 words!  I’m on FIRE!!!  Please check back for news of this woman’s return to the Tawnlandian Imperial Writing Nook.

My inebriated treatise on an article entitled, “You can now attend a “mansplaining” convention — strictly for women — at the low price of $2000.”

As I first open this link, I believe the post can only be satire.  I mean really, dudes can’t possibly be that dumb, right?  So, I grabbed a glass of prosecco, cracked open my laptop, and dove in.

Hilarity ensued.  Mostly in my own mind.

Me: What the hell…? Oh, fuck yeah, I’m gonna follow that link…

[Clicks on 22convention.com]

[Instantly hoarks up bubbly]

I am nose deep in a landing page featuring a bearded studmuffin with long, wavy tresses, another more distinguished older gentleman, pink watercolor splotches on a steel gray background, and a ‘Murican flag asking me if I want to get on the VIP list.

Fuck. Yeah. I. Do.

[Types in email address and pours more prosecco]

::licks lips:: Aight, let’s go down this rabbit hole.

[Clicks on Reserve Your Seats]

EARLY BIRD TICKETS ON SALE! SAVE 60%!

Shit. Now I want to go.  Can you imagine?  I’d be all drunk and mouthy and they’d be all make me a sammich and I’d be all suck my dick and it would be frikkin hilarious. I seriously check my calendar and everything, before remembering that it’s in Orlando, I am not in Orlando, and I am poor.

[Scrolls down]

Then I see it: The premium ticket (today only $999.00!) includes a pass to 21 UNIVERSITY for a full year.  So I think, I wonder what their curriculum is?

[Googles 21 University]

[stares for like a full seven minutes]

It’s “Positive Education for Men” and says:

With our videos you will…

  • Take command of your dating life
  • Get healthy, grow strong, and build muscle
  • Create wealth, earn more, and master your career
  • Author your life and become your own ideal man

And now I’m kinda scared.

But I get over it pretty quickly when I realize it’s just a bunch of MRA Incels that got together, made a bunch of videos spouting off their own bullshit, and then packaged it as a Netflix-esque online video “university” to sell “memberships” to their own personal cult.

And suddenly, I’m impressed.  I could do that.  I mean, it’s kinda genius in a sociopathic way.  All you need is a smartphone (check), some computer skillz or the mad cheddar to hire some (check), a way to take payment (check), and nefarious intent… ::places pinky on corner of lip::

[Scribbles notes on future plans for the Tawnlandian Empire Cyber Expansion Initiative]

Then I spot the Founder and CEO, Anthony Dream Johnson’s (hahahahahaha!!! I said “dream johnson”) bio and this little tidbit: “Anthony credits a great deal of his current success in life from repeatedly experiencing the incredible videos from this live event, in a pure, hyper-focused learning environment with zero distractions.” (emphasis mine)

My homesnakes.  “Repeatedly.”  This guy is like Al Bundy from “Married With Children” reliving his high school football team’s championship touchdown over and over again while he shakes hands with the milkman. ::winks::  And he has devoted EIGHT YEARS OF HIS LIFE to this nonsense. Eight. I haven’t had a full set of nice glassware last that long despite my extraordinarily delicate nurturing of said glassware…

I digress.

In conclusion, mostly because I am nearing the bottom of the bottle and kinda feel all fuzzy and… Where was I?  Oh yeah. These Neanderthals are making hella coin off of young men that have been steeped in a patriarchal line of “Ideal Man” bullshit and haven’t quite gotten a handle on social interaction or even really just how to be themselves in this world.  AND THEN they are indoctrinating them into the toxic masculinity required to offer rape-y courses like “how to turn friends into girlfriends.” That’s from their course list, by the way.

America. Git yer boys.  I mean it.  We need more Mr. Rogers and fewer Rambos in this world. Fuck.

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