Musings, Writing Challenge

The Change in My Wallet

NaBloPoMo 2015

Day 9: What’s in my wallet

Happy Anniversary to me! According to WordPress, I began the TotallyTawn blog five years ago today.  My, how times change! What began as one timid post asking what the hell I was getting myself into blossomed into something so amazing that I still have trouble believing how much my life has evolved.

Of course, many other things have changed in the last five years as well.  That’s what life is, after all.  Change.

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I used to lug around a giant totebag purse with a ton of stuff in it: makeup, aspirin, wet-wipes, a book or tablet, a crochet project, wallet, phone, lint, hopes and dreams; You get the picture. Despite being prepared for almost anything, I would go months without actually using any of those items as more than a collection of tiny anchors relentlessly pulling one shoulder lower than the other.

Since then, I’ve learned that it’s easier for me to make a pit stop if I need anything rather than drag it around on the off chance that I might someday need a wet-wipe and the nearest store is more than a block away.  Besides, I can now stash that junk in my car’s glove compartment.

Now I have an adorable orange wristlet wallet with a pink strap from Thirty-One which holds my phone, my credit cards, a picture of my kids, my library card (of course), and a crumpled wad of receipts that I keep forgetting to give to my husband to file.  That’s it.

No cash – I would only spend it unwisely and 99.5% of establishments take plastic anyway, so why bother?  No picture of my husband. Part of the reason I have a photo of my kids is in case anything happened to them and I needed to give the police a picture for the milk carton, so I must not be worried about my husband in quite the same way. In hindsight, I have a ton of pictures of my family (and my cat) on my phone, so there’s really no reason to have that photo in there anyway.

That’s it. There’s really no room for anything else, which is fine with me. No more back pain!  Hurrah for life changes!

Come back later and I’ll tell you about the best trip of my life.  Well, the one I remember anyway.

Musings

I don’t even know me anymore

At what age is someone supposed to go through a mid life crisis and what exactly does this “crisis” entail?  When does menopause ooze it’s hot-flash laden tentacles into a woman’s cauldron of already unstable hormones, slowly relinquishing control to the erratic whims of some kind of evil alien puppet master?  Is it possible to wake up one bright cheery morning to the sweet song of hungry robin chicks and simply know to the very marrow of your bones that you’re an impostor?  A pod person?  Not who you thought you were at all?

I vividly remember as a brash and outspoken youth being a staunchly “that affects me how?” and “sucks to be you!” kind of girl.  Daring, reckless, rebellious, I was the very definition of teenage angst and drama.  I barged through life cloaked in a impenetrable illusion of self-confidence while secretly composing sappy poems exposing the lonely fear of my self-imposed emotional isolation.  I existed with ease on the periphery of almost all but the most popular cliques while keeping only a handful of close friends in whom I was somehow never able to bring myself to confide completely and without reservation.   I made life altering decisions on a whim and fell head over heels for speed, excitement and the tired anthem of sex, drugs and rock and roll.  I could only see what was immediately in front of me and only if it somehow had the possibility of affecting the never ending party I had made of my life.  I thought I knew everything about myself.  As it turns out, you never really know what you don’t know, you know?

I’d like to think that I’ve matured a lot since those days and that’s the underlying reason that I’m now feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  I have, after all, done a lot of living in the last 20 years.  I would have lost a considerable amount of money had I wagered back then on whether I would have ever done some of the things I now couldn’t imagine not experiencing.  I’ve pursued a career as a pilot, married my soul mate, given birth to two amazing children, launched a new career as a business owner and entrepreneur, and shoved an almost paralyzing fear aside to start writing.  But something is still not quite right.  I’m having trouble reconciling the girl I used to be with the woman I’ve become.

If you haven’t figured it out already, I’m very much a Type A personality.  I need a plan, a backup plan (or two), and only woe comes to those who do not follow the plan.  Delegating is extrememly difficult for me and I think I’ve become even more of a control freak (a thought my husband would casually dismiss as impossible) than I’ve ever been in the past.  Asking me to “let go” and “be in the moment” is like asking me to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.  It may be possible, but the likelihood of it actually happening is probably about the same as Mesthosopholes opening up a ski resort featuring a world class slalom course in Hell.

But I think letting go and being present in the moment is exactly the balm for which my weary soul yearns.  I’ve grown tired of schedules, plans, routines, checklists and keeping track of every little detail of my life.  I’ve forgotten how to live.  I long for the wild abandon of my youth before I began to care about things other than myself.  Before work, family, responsibility, there was only me and my own selfish and childish pursuit of anything that made me feel alive.  Now, I’ve become bogged down with possessions, responsibilities, social obligations, and countless other small burdens which threaten to drag me under like an extremely unlucky mobster’s cement shoes.

Yet, as I slowly saw through the ropes of the unnecessary sandbags keeping my balloon earthbound, I’ve realized that blogging has been and continues to be a priceless lifeline to the carefree existence of that girl I used to be.  Not only have I been able to enjoy the freedom of expressing myself as I pleased, but I’ve also cast aside a small portion of the Teflon cloak in order to share thoughts, ideas and experiences that would have left that daring party girl of my youth hiding in the ladies’ room.

Things change.  People change.  It’s the journey that counts and although I may not know myself anymore, I think I’m going to enjoy getting to know me better.  Maybe even as much as I enjoy getting to know you.  Thank you for reading, commenting, sharing and allowing me my midlife crisis, though I may still have to get a motorcycle or an airplane.  That’s part of the deal, right?

Musings, Pet Peeves, Philosophy

May I Have My Change, Please?

The Universe is a wondrous place.  Order and chaos, miracle and mundane, light and darkness, swirling in a majestic reel where the only constant is change.  While some of us balk, fervently wishing for things to be the way they once were, others embrace change as one would welcome a lost lover.  Change is inevitable, just as everything that has a beginning must also have an end.

Although change is inevitable, the rate at which it happens ebbs and flows within the river of time, causing eddies of swirling ideologies and emotional convictions within humanity.  Throughout the eons, these eddies have stirred man’s conviction to use religion, emotion and ideas to inflict horror upon those with differing views and beliefs.  In the eyes of the Universe, I cannot imagine us being more than violent, arrogant children squabbling over something as inconsequential as a pebble, when only together can we gain the mountain.

We are all part of a whole.  What happens to one, happens to us all.  Is not the Golden Rule to treat others as you would be treated?  Where is that sentiment in politics?  In business?  In each and every minuscule moment of our collective days?

One need only look to the news to see the whirlwind of change that rages around us.  War, natural disasters, political maneuvering, and crimes of hate, greed, jealousy and passion stain our era with the blood of innocence.  What will it take to propel us past this vortex in the river and alter our course before we founder on the rocks of our own self-importance?

I think a change is in order.  It begins within each and every one of our hearts as an affirmation to simply follow the Golden Rule, and I believe it will end, as all things eventually do, with all of us sharing a much better place than we inhabit now.