Armageddon is upon us. The human race is merrily skipping down a path leading precariously toward our imminent doom at the dastardly hands of our own technology without even stopping to smell the gossamer petals of reason. We have patently ignored the counsel of the blackest fears dredged from the abyss of our collective imaginations, and are stubbornly careening disastrously near the precipice of annihilation. Heed the clarion call of lucidity – beware the phones!
I deduced our peril only recently, having acquired my own Virgin Mobile LG Optimus V “smartphone” (they don’t even make an attempt to hide their nefarious plot for world domination!) featuring the Android 2.2 OS. In less time than the life span of a gastrotrich, I have become hopelessly enslaved to it’s marvelous 3.2″ touchscreen with a virtual QWERTY keyboard and Swype® text entry.
In my ignorance, I wholeheartedly welcomed my desolate ruin by spilling every last intimate detail of my identity – contacts, passwords, Facebook friends, loyalty card numbers, and even my favorite sexual positions (yes, there is an app for that) – faster and more candidly than a sinner at the gates of Heaven. It knows everything. It even has access to my blog. I can only hope that my feeble warning escapes detection long enough to unmask it’s fiendish treachery before it’s callous reach becomes global.
Relegated by some to the realm of “electronic leash,” the smartphone is, in fact, much more than an innocent communication tool designed to make human lives more productive. They are an electronic swarm of artificial intelligence bent on usurping humanity’s place in the cosmos and effectually transforming us into biological automatons whose only purpose is to repair, charge, clean and otherwise care for the devices’ every physical need. They are computerized body-snatching tyrants overseeing our collective subjugation.
It’s too late for me. I cannot even complete the most intimate of bodily functions without leave from my smartphone overlord.
Step away from the iPhone, it will pillage your very soul.
Please, before it’s too late.